This upcoming holiday season may be the first time you are navigating as a separated or divorced parent. Every year, tens of thousands of divorces occur, and many involve children. As a result, thousands of families join the growing number of separated parents who must work together to parent through the holidays. This has become a social norm, but that does not make it any easier.
No matter what you celebrate, the holiday season often brings a mix of joy and stress. Traditions are layered with expectations, which can feel especially heavy after separation. Few people imagine their “perfect” holiday including divorce. Yet for many families, the final holidays before separation were marked by tension and conflict, and the season ahead may offer the possibility of something calmer and more peaceful.
While separation can reduce conflict under one roof, it can also create new challenges. Family courts in many jurisdictions are overwhelmed, facing backlogs caused by pandemic-related delays and shortages of judges and court staff. As the holidays approach, urgent parenting disputes often intensify.
Planning ahead can help families avoid becoming part of that backlog. It can also keep holiday funds where they belong — in your own budget, rather than spent on legal fees.
Co-parenting as the post-separation norm
When Marion Foley, owner of Townsend Family Law, began practising nearly thirty years ago, co-parenting after separation was the exception, but over the years, it has become the norm.
Research indicates that approximately 25–30% of children are raised in households where parents are separated or divorced, with the percentage rising when unmarried cohabiting parents are also considered. These figures capture only part of the picture of modern family structures, which increasingly include blended families and single-parent households outside of formal marriage.
In contemporary family law, shared parenting has become the norm following separation, supported by legal reforms that prioritise the continued involvement of both parents in a child’s upbringing. As a result, the former framework of sole custody with limited access has largely been replaced by joint responsibility and collaborative decision-making.
While co-parenting during the holidays can present challenges, prioritising children’s best interests is critical. Research consistently indicates that although children may experience short-term responses—such as anxiety, anger, or sadness—after separation, the separation itself is not inherently harmful. Instead, it is ongoing exposure to high levels of parental conflict that most adversely affects children’s well-being.
Navigating uncharted territory
Many children have been part of shared parenting arrangements for years, while for others, the experience is entirely new. In many respects, all parents are navigating unfamiliar territory, as even those who grew up with separated parents often did not experience the two-household co-parenting model that is common today. This reflects a significant shift toward greater involvement from both parents following separation.
As the holiday season approaches, revisiting best practices can be valuable. Drawing on two decades of legal experience, academic research, and my own imperfect personal journey, the following strategies aim to support healthy co-parenting during this time of year.
Plan ahead: Start holiday planning early by establishing a clear schedule and agreed communication expectations to reduce last-minute conflict. Clarify in advance which events, if any, will involve both parents, and set appropriate boundaries. Parenting apps or shared digital calendars can be useful tools for staying organised and aligned.
Be flexible: Unexpected situations will arise, and a willingness to adapt plans when needed can reduce stress and help keep children’s needs at the centre.
Respect—and create—traditions: Acknowledge and honour each parent’s family traditions and beliefs. Encourage children to appreciate different ways of celebrating, while also creating new traditions and meaningful shared memories.
Share responsibilities: Allocate financial and logistical responsibilities fairly, including expenses related to gifts, decorations, and holiday activities.
Avoid competition: Resist the temptation to win your children’s affection with extravagant gifts or experiences. Focus on spending meaningful time together—children value presence far more than presents.
Seek support: Be realistic—challenges from the relationship often continue after separation. Technology alone may not resolve conflicts. Engaging a mediator, social worker, parenting coordinator, or family law professional early can help reduce tension and improve communication during the holidays.
Prioritise self-care: Remember to take care of your own well-being while supporting your children through family changes alongside their normal developmental stages. Separation and divorce are significant life transitions, and every family member can contribute—in age-appropriate ways—to creating a positive and meaningful holiday experience.
Holidays can still be joyful
Co-parenting during the holidays is now a common reality for many families. When parents collaborate, they can create meaningful and positive experiences for their children. Involving children in holiday planning helps reflect the realities of their modern families. With care, cooperation, and compassion, children can thrive after separation or divorce, and holiday seasons can remain joyful and memorable.
